They say when you can’t sleep, that means you are awake in somebody else’s dreams. I’ve been awake in somebody else’s dreams for the last two hours. I usually don’t have problems falling asleep or staying asleep. Tonight, I can’t seem to do either. There’s nothing particularly taxing on my mind. I don’t have any added stress in my life. Work is going great. Life is going fine. Nothing too exciting to speak of. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m dying of boredom.
Counting sheep doesn’t help. Listening to white noise doesn’t help. Music isn’t helping. Thinking definitely isn’t helping.
I talked to one of my BFFs today. She found my newfound disregard for my old moral code amusing. She’s like my priest. She knows all my shit. Even the stuff that doesn’t make it to the blog. She wanted to know what happened to me that I would all of a sudden change my beliefs and actions. She was talking about the married guy from yesterday’s blog. I told her I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
It’s like I have this small part of me that still thinks it’s wrong, but a bigger part of me that just doesn’t care. I told her that I think it comes from always being the one who cares too much. And I am. I am always the one trying to help people. I am always the one looking on the bright side. I am always the one giving until I have nothing left to give. I am always the one who loves too much, who cares too much. And something inside me has recently broken.
I can’t pinpoint what exactly it was. I guess it was just a culmination of shitty people doing shitty things to me. And people that I love being shitty people. And people that I trusted hurting me. And it just started to take too much of my energy to keep on caring, and loving, and giving, and trusting, and helping. It started to take too much of me to always do the right thing when nobody else seems to care.
And I don’t mean for that to sound dark or like I am in some dark space because I’m not. I’m actually very happy and fairly content right now. But I will be the first to admit that at this particular moment in my life, I just really don’t care about moral codes and codes of conduct. I still stick with my original thought that I am not hurting anyone. I still don’t believe in lying or stealing or being a shitty person. I think I’ve just lost a lot of my faith in humanity. In men specifically. I know all men are not created equal. And I know that I can’t judge all men by the actions of a few. And I don’t think that I am. I think I am judging all men by the actions of a lot of fucking men. Sure, not all men are liars and cheaters. Sure not all men just want sex. Sure not all men are selfish pricks. I’m sure there are some who are genuinely good guys. I’m sure there are some who have been left unscathed and undamaged by life. I’m sure there are some men who come without baggage. I’m sure there are some men who are funny and giving and loyal and honest and totally worth every effort and every breath.
I just don’t know any of them.
So, yes. I’ve gone against everything I used to believe in. But then again, there are lots of things I used to believe in that I don’t anymore. Like Santa Clause. And happily ever after.