I think I finally have my life back to some semblance of order. My heartbreak over putting the dog to sleep has passed. Over the last week or so, I keep walking into the house and feel like something is missing. But it’s just her missing from the couch. But I don’t feel bad anymore. I did what had to be done. I did it humanely. And I have my furniture back, hair free. My other two dogs stay off the furniture for the most part, unless I invite them. I have my bedroom back, which I guess I didn’t mention that I had given it up.
I had a friend come stay here shortly after having her baby. And when I say shortly, I mean less than a week. I had a wee little peanut in my house for a while. It was her, the baby, and the baby dad. That also lasted less than a week. I helped the guy get a job and within four days he had called in sick. Or just called in. It was at that moment that I lost my shit. I told him that she could stay but he had to go because I wasn’t supporting some grown ass man.
Part of my psychotic episode probably hinged on the fact that I had been sleeping on what is very likely the worlds most uncomfortable futon. I’m pretty certain it would have been more comfortable on the hardwood floors in my house. But I snapped before I had to find out. So, of course, my friend decided that if he couldn’t stay then she wouldn’t stay. I guess we aren’t friends anymore because she hasn’t said much to me. But it’s ok. She’s young. I was young once and thought I knew everything. I’m sure I even picked a man over everything else a time or two, though I don’t really remember that. Denial is a deep deep river. I’m sure one day she will look back like most of us do and say, “Damn, I was so stupid.” But I think it takes a while for any of us to get to that point. I’ve said it at least a hundred times. But the funny thing about that is no matter how many times I say it, I rarely change anything drastically. I grow from it, for sure, but by time I realize how stupid I was, I’m on to my next stupid thing not realizing at that moment that it is stupid too.
For example, I’ve decided that I’m done helping people for a while. Or at least I’m done helping people so much. I give too much of myself time and time again. To lots of people. I guess I could complain that I never get as much in return as I give, but that would be an unfair statement, because I think I require less than most to be content and/or happy. And I have a hard time asking for help. I’d rather do without than to feel like I owed somebody something. I don’t think it’s being prideful. I think it’s just the conditioning I’ve endured over the years. Any time I have ever asked for help or been given help, ninety percent of the time, it’s thrown back up in my face. When I offer help, I do it with no strings. If I give money, I do just that, I give it with no expectation of ever receiving it back. Not because I don’t need it back. Just because life is full of pressure and if someone needs something from me, I don’t want to add the pressure of having to pay it back, especially if they go through a long rough patch. But in the same sense, I’ve been taken advantage of over and over again because of that kind of mentality. And it takes me longer than the average person to snap out of it and get into the “fuck you” zone. However, I think I am comfortably seated there right now. I think I am done going out of my way to help people. I am done worrying about making everybody else happy. I’m going to be selfish for a while and live to make myself happy. That’s not to say that I’m going to go out and intentionally hurt people. I’m just done bending over backwards for people and trying to always prove to myself that I’m a good person. I shouldn’t have to always try to convince myself that I’m a good person. And I think I am always trying to because of stuff I’ve done in my past that makes me feel like a shitty human being, but like they say, “nice guys finish last.” And right now, I just want to finish in the top half. There is a very good chance that I am just talking a whole lot of shit and I will continue to try being this great savior of humanity and always help anyone who needs it, but at this particular moment, if I didn’t give birth to you or grow up in the same house as you, I’m probably going to politely decline going out of my way at least for the next 365 days, so hit me up September 2019 and we can talk. Or at least that’s how I feel right now.
RouletteWeekend 