Today is not the day I start caring

I always attract the worst boyfriends. Luckily for me, they are someone else’s boyfriend and not actually my own. Single life is hard especially when you are a happy go lucky (probably somewhat flirty) woman. I’ve never had a problem attracting men. The problem is the kind of men I attract. I either get the sociopaths who take my kindness for weakness or I get the ones who love how happy I am all the time and want some of my happiness to rub off on them even though they have a significant other somewhere in the wings. I have literally had this married dude that I met sometime last year, texting me for the last year. I had his number blocked for the longest, but when I changed carriers this past December, he wasn’t blocked any more. I’ve seen this dude on two occasions. The first one was the day I met him at the gas station one day while I was dropping kiddo off at the bus. The second occasion was when I stopped by his job on my way home one day before I knew he was married and “sleeping on the couch.” We never went out anywhere. We never had sex. We never even had a phone conversation. But for some reason over the last year (or more) this dude will send me a text almost every single day. They range from “Morning beautiful” to “Hope you are a having a good day beautiful angel” to “Have a good night beautiful.” I never have to reply. He is just consistently persistent. He probably doesn’t even know if he’s texting me anymore. I’m fairly certain he doesn’t possibly remember my name anymore. And yet, for some strange reason, he keeps on. I’m sure there are some women out there who would be flattered by his persistence. I personally find it annoying and it makes me think that maybe he is special. Not “give him a chance” special, but more like “not right in the head, kind of slow” special. Because I don’t think any man in his right mind would hang around that long after being told repeatedly to “go away” or “why don’t you tell your wife that?” Like I said, I haven’t replied in a long, long time. Since the very beginning. So I don’t know why he keeps on. I don’t really have the energy to ponder it too much. I do know that my eye rolling skills have evolved since meeting him. I do it at least once a day or more depending on how many times he texts me. I know I could easily block him and never see another text again, but it’s not hurting me by reading a text that says “good morning beautiful.” I mean, hell, I don’t have anyone else texting me or trying to be sweet. Well, I take that back. I don’t have anyone else who is SINGLE texting me or trying to be sweet. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my cup runneth over with unavailable men. And some of them are really some of the sweetest guys (to me). I don’t know how sweet their girlfriends or wives would think they were if they found out their dude was trying to get in my pants. But for the most part, I always say no…. except for one. I guess I could say that I am officially in too deep with one particular guy… the married one I mentioned not so long ago. I can’t manage to stop seeing him. But more than that, I can’t manage to muster up any fucks about him having a wife. I actually don’t have any feelings about it at all. There is a part of me that thinks I like him because he has a wife. If he was single, I may not even be interested. It’s like going on a diet and wanting all the things you shouldn’t be eating because you said you wouldn’t. I’ve always said I would never ever mess with a married man. And for my whole life on this earth, I have stuck with that belief and stuck with my principles no matter how good looking or how convincing said married man was, but this one…. I don’t even think I could explain it if I tried. Maybe cause he’s from up north and he has that New York swag about him. Or maybe because I only see him once a week and it leaves me time to see my unboyfriend and basically do whatever I want. Or maybe it’s because he’s a really good conversationalist and we talk about everything open and honestly and that is really hard to find. Honestly, I don’t know. And I don’t really care. Monogomy is overrated. And I’ll take my negative karma points on this one because I think I’ve wracked up enough positive karma points to last a lifetime. And I’ve rationalized it a thousand ways til Sunday why I can keep seeing him. I’m not hurting anyone as long as nobody finds out. I’m not trying to get him to leave her for me. I’d never actually date him because if he would do it to her, he would do it to me. Even though, I’d probably have a hard time committing to anyone ever anyways, but I definitely wouldn’t commit to someone who cheated on their partner with me. That’s pretty much opening up the door to have your own heart broken. I guess like I said the other day, too. My heart is broken. But not in the sense that it hurts. It’s broken in the sense that I don’t think I have the capacity to love anyone anymore. At least not in the way I’ve been able to in the past. I’m broken. And my heart has hardened like a broken bone. And instead of being better than before like your bones are, I think my heart is just encapsulated in stone.

Maybe one day I’ll get back to the person I used to be who would never hurt anyone or go against her beliefs, but that day is not today. And tomorrow isn’t looking so good either.

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