And I did exactly what I told myself I wasn’t going to do. I sent FMG a text. I won’t pretend that maybe it wasn’t a terribly stupid idea. But I also can’t pretend that I don’t love him and think maybe he’s my one.
I helped him get the rest of his stuff out of his apartment and into storage. And then I told him he could come stay with me. He’s 3 days sober. That’s not a super big milestone for him. He’s done it before. Of course I’d love to say I’m optimistic, but I’ve done that before too.
I’m guarded at best, but I wasn’t going to turn him away. After all, my house has been known to make miracles happen in other people’s lives. Not so much in my own life, but I’m working on it.
He did wake up bright and early this morning and call the detox facility. He has to go there for a week or so before he gets to go to an outpatient program. Unfortunately, they didn’t have any beds available today so he has to call back every day until they do. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day.
I know there are two main camps when it comes to relationships. The one camp that says, if he doesn’t get his shit together on our time, then let him go and good riddance. And then there’s the other camp that says, stand by your man.
I’d like to think that I can switch between camps whenever I want. And for the most part, I’m usually part of camp #1. But there’s just something about this guy. I’ve watched how hard he’s struggled to quit drinking. And I feel like his attempts are sincere. And while I do think that maybe he needs a Super Therapist too, I’m just not ready to give up on him. Mostly because we are just so friggin compatible. Not to mention he’s funny and cute. So yeah, I’m in love with him.
I know you can’t love everybody through everything. And who knows, maybe by this time next week, I will hate him again. And if I’m being honest, we aren’t really on great happily ever after terms right now. But he asked me to give him a chance to show me he’s serious and he wants us to work so I will one last time.
Historically speaking, my second and third chance giving has ended up biting me right in the tender part of my ass. I guess the good thing about that is that I’m pretty calloused there now so it hurts less and less each time. Plus, I don’t really have anything else to do for the next 8 months so what’s one more chance, right?
My BFF said she supports me no matter what, she just warned me to guard my heart and to make sure I’m taking care of me and not getting sucked into his negative abyss. She is right that he and I are functioning on two very different frequencies these days, but the old fashioned dreamer in me says that sometimes things just take persistence, hard work, and belief that it will turn out the way it is supposed to.
So I guess I have a while to figure out which way it is supposed to work out and his actions will have a lot to do with the outcome. I may be starry eyed and in love, but I will not let it blind me.
So, fingers crossed that it works in my favor.
Super therapist says I should write about this whole experience and what it’s like being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I told her I basically already was. I know that it is a taboo subject and something that we, as a society, aren’t supposed to talk about. We are just supposed to suffer in silence and act like every thing is fine. We aren’t supposed to admit that our lives aren’t perfect. We are just supposed to fake it and when it doesn’t work out, then we can quietly tell those close to us what we’ve been going through.
And I know it’s normalized. I know every other country song is talking about whiskey or beer or the neon lights of a bar. I know that nobody thinks twice about someone who posts pictures of happy hour drinks 5 days a week. It’s just alcohol. It’s not like it’s meth or heroin and I agree. Alcohol is so normalized that sometimes I wish it was meth or heroine because I think it would have made it easier to walk away a year ago. If it was meth or heroine, it would have never gone this far.
Super Therapist says that if I had ever had a “healthy” relationship, maybe it wouldn’t have gone this far either. She says that when you are so used to having such shitty relationships that you can rationalize your alcoholic boyfriend’s shitty behavior due to alcohol, it’s kind of an issue. She said a woman who had always had healthy relationships with healthy boundaries probably would have never even dated him.
She’s probably right.
But we can’t really worry about the would have, could have, should haves of this relationship now because I’m all in for the next little bit, stupid or in love. I’m all in.