I’d be lying if I said this was going to be my last lovey dovey post. I’m not sure which is worse me being in love or me not being in love. It seems this blog’s running theme has turned into being about relationships but I guess that’s what makes the world turn. Relationships with friends. Relationships with lovers. Relationships with parents. Relationships with children. Relationships with siblings. Everything is related. And the more I write, the more I have people message me about whatever “thing” I’ve posted about saying, “I feel the same way” or “I thought it was just me.”
Don’t we always think it’s just us? We all feel like we are so unique that our feelings are exclusive to us and us alone. We don’t take into consideration that there are millions of people in this world. They say we all have a twin wandering around in this big wide world somewhere that we will probably never meet, so why on Earth would we think that we are the only ones feeling a certain type of way. I read things sometimes and it describes me perfectly and I think, “wow, that person totally gets me,” but it’s not me they get at all, it’s them. They are just putting their feelings and emotions out there and it is resonating with me and maybe a million other people.
I’ve been doing a lot of meditation lately and I do a lot of reading on manifestation. I know a lot of people just think that it’s just some yogi mumbo jumbo or hippie talk, but it’s another idea that’s always resonated with me: Write down what you want, repeat daily what you want, do daily affirmations, be the person you want to find, believe, have faith, see it in your mind’s eye, etc. And I do it all the time. I write lists of what I want. I see it in my head. I can picture everything very clearly. I still have not managed to win the lottery and I don’t know what I am doing wrong, but I guess everything in it’s own time. What I have managed, it seems is to have manifested that “person” that I’ve been looking for (yep, it’s about to get cheesy).
I didn’t get a chance to post my poem from the open mic night last week, but only because I was hoping to get it on video. Although, I was so nervous, I’m glad there is no evidence of it now, but I worked a lot on this poem. I wrote it and re-wrote it and read it over and over and over again. I wrote it about two months ago and I was so worried about getting it perfect and memorizing it for the open mic that I obsessed over the words. Here it is, though, I think maybe you can’t get the full effect by just reading it, but then again, I was a nervous wreck so probably nobody got the full effect and I was going to try and record it from home the way it was supposed to be, but I’m currently out of tequila (and broke) so you just get this…..
10 O’clock Men
I always date 10 o clock men
The kind who work all day and don’t think about me
Until they are soaping up in the shower at night
And realize I
Would feel better on them.
Sending texts to see if my mood is just right.
“How was your day?”
“Crazy weather tonight.”
“Is that rain?”
“Can I see you still?”
I always say yes and they know that I will
The last one I loved like fire loves wood
But he could burn me to the ground with his silence and rebuild me with a kiss
But when daybreak came
My flame was just embers and I tried to remember what it was
About him that kept me grasping and staying when
I knew he was just a pyromaniac playing and I
was his fascination
I always date 10 o clock men
I tell myself it’s ok. I’m busy too. It’s fine. I don’t need fancy dinners, flowers, and wine, but I want those things
More than I want to be sexed. I want good morning and good night texts. I want to be kissed,cherished, enjoyed,caressed, pet. I want to be loved just as much as that next woman will be cause you take her seriously and I
was just your play thing.
I want to date 5 o clock men
I want to date a 5 o‘clock man who wants to see me before the sun goes down
Cares how my day went and wants me around to share my secrets and hear my stories and laugh at all my stupid jokes He’ll
smell the pillow I slept on to get the remnants of my shampoo. But not in that creepy way that can make you uncomfortable and can scare you.He’ll
smile a little when he puts my wine glass in the sink and be glad I don’t wear lipstick. He’ll think
of how we met and will want me to know he remembers every moment by capturing them like fireflies on a dark night and letting them go when it’s only me around to see them in flight. He will
love me in the morning and will miss me when I go. He will
remember the exact date he started planning our wedding knowing the first 100 times he asked, I would continue to say no
Because I’ve always dated 10 o‘clock men
I want to date a 5 o‘clock man
because 5 o‘clock men make sense
They are practical, want to see you happy and often and they
soften at your touch because they have hearts that will melt into yours instead of breaking you to pieces and leaving you to crumble all alone. They will
walk by your side, hold your hand, lift you up once again
But….
my heads been way too fucked up for too long
And though I try really hard to find 5 o‘clock men,
I always date 10 o clock men.
And now I am even more convinced that there is something to that manifestation theory, because, as I was saying, I basically obsessed over these words for two months. Memorizing, reading, re-reading, thinking, changing things, changing them back and then out of the blue, I get this 5 O’clock man, who ironically went with me when I read this out loud for the first time and it didn’t make him run for the hills either. So now, I’ve decided to get back to my manifestation book and start working on the rest of my life, because it’s time that I accept that there is way more to it than what I have been settling for.
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