So the last post I posted was about my lovely drive out in the lovely weather that caused a lovely pain in my ear. Yea. That happened. It was excruciating for a couple of days, but as luck and lots of antihistamines would have it, I’m cured. No more ear pain. Yay, Me! The pain is all in my heart now. I guess things are officially over with me and the guy. I know. I know. I said it was over a while ago, but we have a tendency to do this really unhealthy back and forth, push and pull, love and hate thing. And for the last two years or so, it has been working, but he officially gave me the fuck you last night. Of course, he was drinking, which is not a surprise. That’s when he does his most convincing fuck yous. Last night’s was the best one yet. It was very convincing. I actually believe him this time. And, yes, I’m a little heartbroken. I know I shouldn’t be, but as with all habits, good or bad, when you have to break them it’s heartbreaking. I guess that’s why they call it a break. And I’m good. I don’t need any advice or words of wisdom or words of encouragement. I’m just going to keep busy. And I know it’s for the best. And honestly, I know it’s going to hurt him more than it’s going to hurt me because as I’ve said before, I bring value and he brought pain. It’s kind of his thing. He doesn’t really know how to be happy or how to love for that matter and although I tried over and over and over again to show him that it’s OK to just live a boring, normal, life in love with someone that you can tolerate to be around most of the time, hes’ still not convinced that it’s the life for him So….. that’s that. I’m fine. Really. Or at lest that’s what I will keep telling myself and everyone else until I am actually fine. The real truth is, despite all of his fucked up ways and stupid ideologies, I loved that mother fucker more than I ever loved any other guy. And I’ve loved a lot of them. Which is probably why I hurt more now than I have when I’ve had my heart broken any other time. Or maybe it just feels that way. You know how every heartbreak feels like the one that will break you forever and you will never recover? And then you do. I guess that’s just the resiliency of human nature. You live, you love, you lose love, you feel like you’re going to die, you don’t, rinse, wash, repeat, until you actually stop loving or you actually die. Man, I know that sounds dark. Or at the very least hopeless, but I’m not either. I’m just venting to the ten of you who read this because it beats breaking all the dishes in my house and melting my ice cream with tears…. So what do you do when you can’t manage to figure out real life……. you write fiction, because that you can control….
So I’m off….
RouletteWeekend 