All Day In My Head….

Have you ever had one of those days that is full of realizations? I had one today. It was an emotional roller-coaster. Fall seems to be setting in like the algae in the swimming pools. Maybe it’s partly that. Partly that I was acutely aware of everything today.

The first thing I realized today is that my dogs, one specifically, are truly assholes. I am always drawn to assholes. They bark at everything. Not necessarily together, but definitely in rotation. I have one who barks at cats. One who barks at passersby on foot or on bike. And one who hates the neighbor so much, it doesn’t matter that we’ve been here for three years. He still barks at him every time he leaves his house. My super asshole dog, Zeus, you remember him right? The one who traumatized the mailman and now I have to put a mailbox at the street instead of on the house? Yea, well he eats everything. If he could open the fridge, I’d have no food. Luckily, he just thieves from the counter-top. Usually it’s loaves of bread. I always know it’s him because the bread bag is always outside and he is always on my bed as if he’s completely innocent. Tonight, I reheated the taco meat from last night’s dinner. I made myself a few little street tacos and ate standing up (because I’m getting fat, but I’ll get to that in a second). Then I put the bowl of meat on the toaster, which was on the counter, scooted all the way back. I told Mel the food was heated up and he could go make himself a taco or whatever. He goes in the kitchen and is like, “where’s the meat?” I tell him where I left it. He argues that it’s not there. I go into the kitchen to look and he’s right. It’s not there. The container it was in is now outside on the steps.. upside down… licked clean.  Zeus is nowhere to be found. Athena, my German Shepherd is looking awfully suspicious. And Asia, the spare dog who is never leaving, is just sadly looking at me like she always does, usually with one of my damn socks in her mouth. Anyway… I don’t know who stole the food, but I’m pissed about it. So I tell all the dogs to “come here right this minute.” And then I go on to tell them that, “I know one of you fuckers ate the meat. Don’t give me those sad innocent eyes. But guess what?! The joke is on you. It wasn’t even real meat anyway, dummies. It was fakey meat. You ate soy. I hope yo shit your non-vegetarian guts out. Now which one of you did it?” Then I proceeded to pry open each of their mouths and sniff until I found the culprit. It was Zeus. I should have known. He’s such a dick. And he just walks around like he is so damn innocent.

Prior to the dog incident, I had the awful realization that I am getting fat. I do this every other year or so. I start slacking on what I should be eating and feeding my emotions with junk. I find myself wearing sweat pants, joggers, or yoga pants more and more often. But that’s not what brought it to my attention. It was my panties. You know you can’t deny that you are getting fat when your underwear are hugging your upper thigh like a small rubber band on a large wrist. I was so uncomfortable all day. I don’t know if I was physically uncomfortable because my circulation was being cut off or if I was emotionally uncomfortable because I knew it was a my legs are getting bigger problem and not a my underwear getting smaller problem. So I decided that I’m going to get back to being serious about not getting fat. I don’t necessarily want to be thin, but I’m OK with not being obese. So there’s that goal.

Oh, and I also cried in my car today. Just drove down the road, bawling my eyes out. And for the craziest reason. I went out a few times with this guy. I really liked him. He was really nice and sweet. Maybe a little sensitive, but he was having personal issues. Issues that came to light yesterday when I saw him on the news for his double murder re-trial. It’s a really long, messy story and maybe when all of this is over, I’ll share my experience of us with you, but for now, I was just drenched in emotion at the idea that this dude might lose the rest of his life for something that I don’t truly believe he did after getting to know him. I mean, I’ve known a lot of sociopaths… I’ve dated several… and even some psychopaths… and I just feel so much for this guy’s situation right now. Then again, I’m a super shitty judge of character… I mean, really, look at my dating history over the last five years… good luck picking out anyone worth keeping… well, if there was someone, I guess he’d still be here right?

And then there was the fact that I got home after 4am after spending the night with unboyfriend. I can’t even link a blog because there are probably ten starring him. Remember, we started this “thing” over three years ago. We have long on periods, then long off periods, and in the blink of an eye, we are back on… and then off.. and then I block him, because I don’t even think I like him all that much. Not that I don’t like him, we just don’t have much in common besides really good sex…. and then that ceased… so we have been off for a really long time. Maybe half a year by now. And then he texts out of the blue and just like that, I’m at his house last night having shots and wondering, “what the fuck am I doing here?” But I got home this morning after being up most of the night with the same realization I had while sitting on his couch, that we will really never be anything more than four shots of tequila and a sometimes good fuck. And quite frankly, I’m done wasting my time on people who don’t have any time for me. I’m done texting and calling and acting like a give a shit to people who don’t give a shit. Like I said the other day, I’m keeping my eye on the prize. If a dude wants to be with me, he’s gonna have to work for it or at least pay a damn bill. Otherwise, I’m just going to continue to write and do my thing.

Which leads me to the last of my stresses for the day… I spent at least six hours today applying for writing gigs, because everyone, except one person (Maranda) who has tried to “help” me or “encourage” me or “support” me has been giving me advice of where to go to look for jobs or what “other” jobs I would be good at. And I want to scream at the top of my fucking lungs… “I KNOW WHAT I’M GOOD AT! FUUUUCK….JUST LET ME DO IT!!!” I mean, if anyone wants to pay my bills, by all means, tell me what the fuck I should be doing, but if you aren’t dishing out any cash towards my existence, then either encourage me the way Maranda did by saying, “Don’t give up and get a real job yet! You’re doing awesome! You got this!!!!” or shut the fuck up and don’t say anything at all, because I’m not looking for advice. I give it remember? Here… get some…

I told you I’m emotional today. The roller coaster of a blog that this is, is really just the tip of it. I’ve been a million and one places in my head today. I should have been a million and one places in real life to keep my mind off of everything, but sometimes, even though inside your own head is a scary place, it’s a necessary evil to get you to the goal. I’m over it now and I’m feeling much better. I’ve meditated. Talked to friends, Even let my asshole dogs console my bad mood. But, like I said, tis the season for the gloomy weather and my gloomy moods. Time to up the B12 and Vitamin D (not that kind, I’m laying off the pipe for a while)….