No More FMG (For Real This Time)

I know the blog has been missing for a couple days. I was licking my wounded heart, but I’m better now.

It’s over with Flea Market Guy. And it’s really sad. Because for a while, he looked at me like I was everything. Actually, he did that every time we were together. Maybe it was just his face. It was when we weren’t together that he couldn’t muster up the energy to convince himself that I still existed and that he should call or text me….ever.

Yes. I’m bummed. I’m super fucking bummed about it. And if I’m being honest, I’m destroyed a little bit inside. But it’s not the first time I’ve been a little bit destroyed. Probably won’t be the last.  And I learned a long time ago that the heart really does heal like bones. Once a part of the bone is broken, it heals stronger than before. The heart is the same. Every time I’ve given a piece of my heart to someone and they choose to break it, it’s healed stronger And, to be clear, they did choose to break it, because ultimately the way you treat people is a choice, and when you can’t just be transparent and honest with people, it ends up causing pain.

Sure, we know it’s because you can’t be honest with yourself. That doesn’t lessen the pain, though. Not like an apology would. Just two simple words. But people can’t do that either because admitting their part would force them to have to look at themselves in a more honest and clear light. And who wants to do that before they are ready?

So, yeah, flea market guy and I are done. It was my choice to walk away, but I only need a few red flags now before I realize I can’t help. The last time I let a few red flags go, I ended up choked out on a floor because of some sociopath’s drunken rage. And even then, I knew eventually it would turn on me. I’m forever the optimist and want to see the best in people even if it kills me apparently.

I’ll probably always be that way. Now, I just know when it’s time to part ways. Not that flea market guy was abusive. He was quite opposite. But it still didn’t feel good and when I brought it up, all he could say was, “you’re right.”

But I guess it’s fine because he’s still in love with his ex even though he says he was never in love with her to begin with, but he lied about other things too, so who’s to really say what the truth is?

Either way, I cried. I broke $8 worth of thrift store plates (it’s my therapy), I skipped the Ben & Jerry’s because of that whole $700 car issue. I won’t be able to afford food for the rest of the month thanks to Knoxville’s potholes. But my car is fixed….almost. Only $300 more worth of work to do. But then it’ll practically be a brand new car that has the same comfort as my favorite sweatshirt. So all was not lost.

I know I sound defeated, but I’m really not. I actually feel pretty good. I know that my loss was not as deep as his, because I know I offered a lot more to our relationship than he did, so essentially, he lost the most. Unfortunately, he probably won’t ever realize it, but maybe it’s better that way.

As for me, I’m going to see one of my favorite poets tonight and going hiking this weekend. No more time for sulking or sobbing. Life just keeps moving forward.

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