Grand Gestures (day 3 of the 3 day blog)

So like I said yesterday, flea market guy was part of my bad mood. At some point after getting to the hotel with truck driver, flea market guy sent me a text. I don’t even have his number in my phone because I had resolved to never, ever text him again for the rest of my life after I called to check on him last week to make sure he was alive and the whole conversation just irritated me and made me feel sour on the inside. For some reason, I do have his number memorized. So I got a text while I was at the hotel that said:
Him: You might see me soon and not in the way that you expect.

I immediately knew it was him and replied. So obviously, my night with the truck driver was taking a nose dive if I would stop what I was doing to reply to a text from someone who also makes me feel like shit most of the time.

Me: On the news? Or down on one knee proposing?

I was only trying to halfway be an asshole because I know he would never propose. Not to me anyway. Even though his dating profile says he’s “looking for someone to marry.” But when I even mentioned the idea of exclusivity, he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. I know there are girls you have fun with and girls you marry. I must be on the list of girls to have fun with.

I was talking to bestie the other day and she was saying that my laid-back attitude is not necessarily a gift when it comes to dating because I’m easily amused. I’m not high maintenance. Any small gesture will do. So guys don’t feel the need to work to get whatever it is they want, which is usually sex. And I enjoy sex too so it muddies the water and I guess lowers expectations. Or something like that. I don’t really know.

But anyway, flea market guy hasn’t text me first in over 4 months. I was always the one checking on him and reaching out to him and being all psycho stalkerish and popping up at his house when he wouldn’t respond (yea, I was that girl for him until I got a hold of myself). So I haven’t heard from him in a while except for when I called him last week or the week before. Not really sure when that was. And when I hung up with him, I had some closure. This part of me that was like, “well, that’s done. Good. No more feelings.”

So when I got the text and we started our little banter, I immediately got pissed off. Do you know that anger in the pit of your stomach that you get? It kind of just balls up on the inside of you and you fully recognize that if you were not a stable person that ball of anger would be the reason you go burn a place to the ground or murder someone? Yeah, I had that. Not because I hate him. Not because I wanted to hurt him. Mostly because he had hurt me so badly by rejecting me back then and even when I kept trying he kept pushing me away and I kind of felt like, what the fuck, dude? You are not allowed to come waltzing back into my life and acting like you weren’t a fucking dickhole. At least not without an apology. I don’t even know why he text in the first place. And I didn’t bother asking. I also didn’t bother cursing him out, because like I said yesterday (or the day before) that’s not really my thing. But maybe it should be.

Nevertheless, I didn’t find out what he actually wanted. Who knows, I may never hear from him again. He could have been drinking for all I know and just had a fleeting moment of missing me. It was a full moon.

I think that’s what happens. I’m so easy going and everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side until they get to the other side and realize that I was the greener grass. But I don’t like going backward. I’d rather be greener grass for a stranger than to go back to being greener grass for someone who doesn’t appreciate me. That’s not to say that I would never go back and try again with anyone, but I will say that they would have to put in a shit ton of effort. If I learned nothing by even agreeing to meet the truck driver, I learned that I made it too easy. And I had the whole time. He never had to go out of his way for anything. Most of them never have to go too far out of their way because I make life too easy. I don’t care about money. I don’t care if we just sit on a park bench and have a conversation. I try not to be high maintenance. I appreciate the small things. But that hasn’t really worked for me thus far so I think from now on, I’m going to have to be unphased by the small things and insist on the grand gestures.

Like… I’m gonna need you to low key stalk me so, go ahead and creep by my house so you can get the address. Go ahead and send a shit ton of flowers, or chocolate covered strawberries or a fucking singing telegram. I’m gonna need you to ask me on a date and tell me to get dressed up and then take me to somewhere like the Melting Pot. Or load up the back of a pickup truck with wine and cheese and fruit and blankets and pillows and music and take me out in the middle of nowhere to look at the shooting stars or the lightning bugs. I’m gonna need you to tell me to put on my jeans and boots and take me horseback riding. I’m going to need you to call the radio station and request songs for me. I’m gonna need you to write me corny poetry because you can’t live without me. I’m gonna need you to plan a trip to the beach for us and give me 24 hours to pack and be ready. Or a trip to Vegas. I’m gonna need you to pay some bills or give me grocery money just because. I’m gonna need you to pretty much make a damn fool out of yourself at any given moment. Go ahead and watch the romantic comedies. Steal their ideas. Be that guy that you would never ever be for anybody else. Because I think the days of “we can do whatever or nothing at all” are over. And also, because I’m fucking worth it.

Needless to say, with those expectations, I may never go on a date with another man again, but I think not dating would be better than being perpetually disappointed by these lazy, undecided mother fuckers.

I’m tired of being the consolation prize. Maybe it was the full moon that had everyone coming out of the woodwork. Maybe I’m just really good at making people feel loved. Whatever the reason, it’s my turn now. And I think if someone can’t make me feel as happy as I make them feel and not backpedal when shit gets real, then I’m just going to take a back seat to dating because if I have one more shitty, mediocre date, I may actually lose it and end up on the news myself. And even as I sit here laughing at all the possible headlines, I don’t think that will be a good look for me.

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