My Love Hate Relationship with Relationships

I have this back and forth, love hate relationship with relationships. On one hand, I think that I would love to have someone to share my life with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to come home to. Someone who “gets” me. But then there’s that part of me that hates the idea of having to “look” for that person. The search for compatibility is exhausting and, if I’m being honest, very disappointing.

As a single woman, I have found my share of husbands. Other people’s husbands who are looking for someone to occupy their time or take their minds off of their “unhappy” marriage. That alone, makes me a little skeptical of relationships in general. I know not all husbands are out on the prowl like single men and maybe I’m just a magnet for miserable men. Or maybe I’m in denial about the number of shitty married men out there. Even the single ones that flock to me don’t halfway have their shit together and are pretty shitty. They say you attract what you are. So maybe I need to get my shit together more. I’m not really sure.

What I am sure of, is that I don’t have time for the “online dating” thing. I have this fantasy in my head where I just randomly meet some super awesome person in real life. Somewhere normal like the grocery store or the library. I spend my fair share of time at both of those places so it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility, like meeting someone at, say, church, since I never go to church. Go ahead and keep your “you should go to church and pray for a man” to yourselves. It’s not really my thing. So I’ll have to pass on that and be alone if that’s my only other option. The other fantasy I have is that flea market guy gets his shit together and we live happily ever after. That fantasy is the one that reminds me of how delusional I can really be at times.

Either way, I’ll be spending Valentine’s day alone or maybe in a room full of poets taking shots of vodka and flirting with the bartender who is more than likely gay. Which seems pretty fitting for how successful my recent dating adventures have been. But, rest assured, your husbands are safe. I won’t be spending Valentine’s day or any other day with them. If they are going to be shitty, it won’t be with me. My standards may be below average but I still have a moral compass (at this point).

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