As I was riding the bus earlier today, I was thinking about the blog I wrote the day before yesterday about Derek and how things have changed. I started thinking that maybe I don’t need to lower my expectations. Maybe I need to stop expecting anything at all. I thought, I’ve never been a person who believes the world owes me anything so I’m not sure why I feel like he does. So I had planned on just taking things as they come, but then I was gently reminded….fuck that! Maybe the world doesn’t owe me anything. Maybe he doesn’t owe me anything, but if nothing else, I owe myself. I owe myself the opportunity to be loved the way I have loved others. I owe myself the chance for all the happiness I have given others. I owe myself peace of mind. I owe it to myself to stand up and speak up for what I want. It is quite possible that I am holding other people’s transgressions against him in a small way, but it’s not that I am being crazy like I originally thought, I am being cautious. If you had been bit by a dog a time or two and each time before it happened that dog growled, every time you were ever near a dog you would be wary and when that dog growled, it would be a strong indicator that things were about to go in the same direction they had before. All I’m trying to do is keep my distance from any more growling dogs because I’m tired of playing the fool. There’s a reason old sayings exist. People were smart back in the day. They weren’t foolish and naïve like we are expected to be today. When they say, “If it seems to good to be true, it usually is,” and “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck….” Those sayings didn’t just appear out of nowhere. They came into existence for a reason. Just like my feelings and attitudes toward certain behaviors didn’t just appear out of nowhere. They also came into existence for a reason so I am slow to dismiss it based on a few people’s opinions that I can’t hold my past against him. I am not holding my past against him. I was holding his current actions against him.
All of my close friends and a couple of commenters are all pretty much on various sides of the argument and there aren’t just two, but despite everyone’s opinions that are thrown out into the universe, I know the decision is ultimately mine and what I am and am not willing to deal with. I did talk to him and tell him how I felt. He agreed that things had changed and it wasn’t my imagination. He said I made many valid points. And he didn’t want me feeling the way I do. He also reminded me, again, that he never claimed to be perfect and he was just a man, nothing extraordinary, but he has started trying harder again. The problem with it is that I am not sure it is because he wants to try harder or because I have somehow twisted his arm to get him to do it. At this point, I don’t really care the reason, I’m just happy that I have the guy back that I had in the beginning. We still haven’t had any talks of being exclusive so I think that is going to have to be included in the next conversation. Not that I am going to ask him if he wants to go steady or anything, but I do need clarity because if his answer is no, then I feel like I’m going to need him to not pop up at my house because that is how feelings get hurt. I haven’t seen anybody since I started seeing him, but if we are not exclusive then that will change and I will get back to dating around, not to be confused with sleeping around, but then again, who really knows? I do believe that communication is the key. I only wish I was a better verbal communicator and not such a stammering fool when it came to articulating my feelings and then getting them to come out of my mouth the way they were inside my head. Not to mention the uncomfortable giggle I get whenever I’m talking about something I’d rather not be, like the status of relationships.
But it basically boils down to this: I’ve dealt with a lot of bullshit since I started dating 25 years ago and what I am looking, searching, hoping for may not be everyone’s ideal. It may not even be logical or attainable, but I don’t give a shit. I want what I want and I deserve to get what I want and if I can’t find it or get it or have it, I will just continue to be alone. I don’t need someone to complete me because I am complete. I don’t need someone to entertain me because I can entertain myself. I don’t even need someone to love me because I can love myself just fine. But if someone wants to be in my life and wants me to share pieces of myself with them then, guess what? That shit is going to be on my terms because it is my time. I’m willing to give and bend and compromise but not to the extent of being the only one giving and bending until I break. Those days are over. So, yes, maybe I am demanding and maybe I won’t ever find what I feel like I deserve and if I don’t, that’s fine, but I will walk away before I find myself sitting in a position I’ve been in before. I will walk away before I go to sleep feeling that knowing pang of sickness in the pit of my stomach because someone is doing me wrong and I’d rather stay than be alone. That girl is dead. This girl will walk, happily, alone.