I have an ex boyfriend that I broke up with quite a few years ago. We remained in contact over the 5 years or so that we haven’t been together. I guess I would say we are friends, and we talk fairly regularly. When we were together, I totally and completely loved this guy. He was one that I would have married if he asked and also one of the many who partly made me the way I am. We met online. I don’t know if it was a dating site or Facebook. I can’t quite remember. But we were together for a little over two years, maybe close to three. Within the first six months, he starting saying things like, “I could totally see myself marrying you.” And when he said it, I didn’t cringe. I mean I wasn’t flipping through wedding magazines either, but I definitely wasn’t snarling my nose up at the idea. But you can’t really know a person in six months. Over the next year, I got to know more and more about him. He had a lot of female friends. That was not an issue. A lot of these female friends had been women that he used to sleep with. That was not an issue. But, when these women friends would call, he would answer the phone, “hello, beautiful” or “hello, gorgeous” and I was like, “um, fuck no, that’s not ok. Helloooo…. I’m the only ‘hello, beautiful’ and ‘hello, gorgeous’ girl in your life except for the ones produced by your balls!” He could never understand why it irked me so bad. Slowly, his comments about marriage stopped and two years from the start whenever I would bring it up, he would say he didn’t know if marriage was in his future. Oh Really?
One night, he had a party at his house. He had invited a bunch of his friends. There were guys and girls. And, of course,I was there. The little shindig is happening, he is playing gracious host and making the rounds talking to everyone. When the party started to wind down and people started leaving, I too, had decided it was time to go. I’m rounding up my belongings and getting ready to go to my car when one of his friends, one of his very close friends, tells me he will walk me to the car. I think he’s just being nice because boyfriend is busy cleaning up and entertaining the remaining partygoers, but when we got outside he asked me for my phone number. I told him I was flattered but that I was dating his friend who threw the party. And when he responded that there was no way he was able to tell we were together by the way he had treated me that night and said that if I was his girl, I would have been by his side all night and everyone would have known, that’s when I realized the relationship was over or more so that it had never really been a serious relationship to him. I had only met a small handful of his friends, but the majority and definitely the majority of the women, didn’t even know I existed. So I closed that chapter quickly. And just as quickly I had a one night stand that turned into a couple year long toxic relationship, but that’s a story for another day.
This, now ex, boyfriend moved shortly after the split but has always stayed in touch over the years, he’s even helped me out a few times when I’ve needed money to pay a bill. And for a while, when he would come to town to visit we would see each other and of course sleep together for old times sake because that was always good. And we talk regularly now. At least once a week. Sometimes when he would come, he would let me know ahead of time that he was going to be in town, but then 50% of those times, something would happen and he wouldn’t come. I eventually quit counting on it. Like I quit counting on the car he kept saying I could have after my car broke down a little over a year ago. I’m perfectly ok without a car, but he kept offering and eventually I said yes and a year later it’s still sitting at his house. He’s one of those people who is full of good intentions and no follow through. Like yesterday, he sent me a text and told me he was in town and wanted to see me, but after he called me and told me how none of his other friends were answering their phones, it dawned on me that I was just a last resort, a convenience. Just like I have always been to him. Never a priority, just always available because he knows I’ll make time for him because that’s the kind of person I am. Or usually am. Or was, but now I’m more of a “fuck you, I’m not a convenience, I’m a priority” person. So when he said he wanted to do lunch with me yesterday and I said yes, and then when he blew me off today and went to lunch with his friends who finally decided to answer their phones instead, and then wanted to ask if he could make it up to me when I got off work tonight, the answer was no. A big, fat, I’m not just a convenience, no. I don’t need good intentions in my life anymore. I need follow through and decency and consideration and I’m definitely not blaming him for how he is and he would probably even tell a different version of this story. I’m just taking responsibility for what I will and will not accept anymore. And I just won’t accept being an option.
All I want is someone to do what they say they are going to do. To put in a little effort. You say you are going to call? Call. You say we are going out? Show up. I’m worth the effort and I won’t settle anymore for someone who thinks I will always be there, because I won’t. And I know there are people who take mediocre love, because, to them, it’s better than no love at all, but I’m not one of those people. At least not anymore. I have plenty of love in my life from friends and family so when it comes to romantic love, I would rather wait patiently, and sometimes impatiently, for a love who will set the world on fire with me, than to be someone’s back up plan or invisible girlfriend.
And so I wait….and Tinder.